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ShroomProductions
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« Antwoord #540 Gepost op: 31 Oktober 2015, 00:38:32 »

If I'd written all the truth I knew for the past ten years, about 600 people - including me - would be rotting in prison cells from Rio to Seattle today. Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous commodity in the context of professional journalism.
Hunter S Thompson

In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upwardly mobile—and the rest of us are fucked until we can put our acts together: not necessarily to win, but mainly to keep from losing completely. We owe that to ourselves and our crippled self-image as something better than a nation of panicked sheep.
Hunter S Thompson

The Edge... There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
Hunter S Thompson

If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.
Hunter S Thompson
« Laatste verandering: 31 Oktober 2015, 00:45:31 door ShroomProductions » Gelogd


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« Antwoord #541 Gepost op: 19 November 2015, 23:30:50 »

"I kind of get upset when people use the word retarded because I have a handicapped sister."
"Please, nobody send Bonnie the clip of us rating retarded girls on how hot they were, I want Bonnie to love me."
"I feel like that's fine because you're treating them as girls first."
"And they're retarded so they're probably easy to talk into the sack."
~Legion of Skanks (Big Jay Oakerson)

"I like it in cuckold porn when you see the fat husband holding the camera in the mirror."
"I'd rather watch fucking ISIS beheading videos."
"Well those are not mutually exclusive. Can't you cum twice in a night?"
~Legion of Skanks (Jim Norton)



"Don't think with your head. Think with the dick of your heart!!"
~Genshiken



"Want me to teach you how to smoke through your forehead?"
~Black Lagoon



"All right! Let's put some 'umph' into our support."
"Good, Ippo! Stare at him until you kill him!"
"You need to intimidate him more than that!"
"Damned straight! You have nothing to fear! Because your dong is a heavyweight! Trust me! The bigger man wins!"
"Talk about immoral support!"
~Hajime no Ippo

"Don't worry. We'll watch his match closely."
"So you can die with peace of mind!"
~Hajime no Ippo



"I really want children. Not because I like children, I just want to name something. I'd rather have a boat. Because you can name a boat. And a boat doesn't get in trouble like a child, it doesn't do drugs or get arrested or go away to Burning Man and come home and say 'daddy I'm no longer a boat, I think I'm a ferry'."
~Dave Attell: Skanks for the Memories



"A rape victim got distraught when she was picking her perpetrator from a line-up at the police station when they got an emergency call and cops started screaming like she'd never heard. So now, instead of conducting a line-up, the victim is hearing 'police officer shot!'. So now this poor woman who is a victim of crime and upset, was standing there frightened as detectives were running out the door. Couldn't these cops, while responding to a call saying one of their fellow officers was shot, take this woman's feelings into account? Calmly file out of the building? Couldn't they? There's at least a 20% chance this woman was a victim of a crime."
~New York City Crime Report

"This guy was vicious. He mutilated her genitals with a screwdriver. And he used a Phillips-head. When she clearly had a flat-head vagina."
~New York City Crime Report


"I will eat ass. But I don't just go in and start lapping it up all over the place. I move in slow. Calm and measured pace. Do things in order. I've got a certain way I like to do it. I'm really anal about it."
~New York City Crime Report



"Nowadays anyone can tell anyone that they suck, that their life's work is a piece of shit, that you're an asshole, you're offensive, you're this..."
"Like when I was a kid, I couldn't go 'hey John, Paul, George, and Ringo the White Album sucked, fuck you, I hope one of you gets shot'."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Gilbert Gottfried)



"And from Staten Island we have the sad story of an armless boy who was robbed by three punk teenagers. Just ask Donald Trump: this never would've happened if that kid had been armed."
~New York City Crime Report



"I found a gray hair on one of my testicles the today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening."
~Dave Attell: Captain Miserable



"You were saying something about legalizing marijuana, right?"
"Legalize all drugs, if you're dumb enough to do crack you're supposed to die. It's evolution."
~Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn (Joe Rogan)



"Long ago... There was a petty thief... Named Kandata. Kandata was fated to die and descend to Hell, but he once saved a spider while he was alive. In his mercy, Buddha pitied Kandata and hung the spider's thread down into Hell in order to save him. But as soon as Kandata told the other dead souls to get off of the spider's thread... It snapped just like that, and they all fell back to Hell. The moral of this story... Is not that people are stupid. It's that the Buddha put this guy in hell in the first place... And then on a whim, decided to pull him back out... Basically, what a sick fuck this Buddha guy is."
~Air Gear

"If all ya had to risk to get whatever ya want was yer life... Then sewer rats would be beaten' lions left an' right."
~Air Gear



"Preach it! This book being from the motherland (Japan), it must be read in the path of righteousness to lefteousness."
~Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt



"What's the agenda for this kind of bullshit female empowerment? What's the endgame for this type of propaganda?"
"Well, it's obviously for females, ideally of color, to be running the show. For you and I to be whipped by black women and then they'll still stay 'well, we've made strides but we're not there yet'."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Nick Dipaolo)

"Is that Lou Gehrig? He had that fucking disease, what was it called?"
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)

"A black guy is playing Sir Lancelot in a ABC show? How about next we cast a white guy as Martin Luther King."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)



"I said on this very show there should be a sex doll for pedophiles to fuck that's shaped like a kid, and then..."
"We take turns on it."
~Legion of Skanks (Big Jay Oakerson)



"Due to a multiple-verhicle pileup accident, traffic on the Atmospheric Route 8 is backed up for over 600,000 kilometers. Passage is expected to take over 80 hours."
~Top wo Nerae 2! Diebuster
Ruimtefiles. :')



"Never answer an ad on Craigslist, you're asking to be murdered."
"That's how I got my job here, I answered your ad on Craigslist."
"Well, we were gonna rape you but then you turned out to be so fucking ugly."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)

"The songwriter was the first guy to get AIDS from just from writing a song. That's how gay this song is."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)



"They were very much to themselves, those Franks. Never went out."
~Carpool



"I think the good thing about this Underboob Challenge is that women finally found something they can do with a pen."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Tony Hinchcliffe)

"There is now an app that will tell you whether it's dark outside or not."
"Hmm, what windows should I use to check whether it's light or dark outside? Let's go with Microsoft Windows."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Tony Hinchcliffe)

"Oh, she goes by 'Bambi', huh? I wonder if that's because her mom got shot."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Tony Hinchcliffe)



"I think pitbulls and Down-syndrome kids are very much alike."
"Like in how they both bite black people?"
~Finer Things (Big Jay Oakerson)



"Jewish president candidates don't do well in the Southern states because they don't know about Jews. They know black people, they have them down there. But for them voting for a Jew would be like us going 'you know what, I'm gonna vote for a dragon. I've seen Game of Thrones, I'm gonna vote for one'."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Ron Bennington)

"The first time you have sex is a time you'll never forget. Especially when it's rape."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)

"The twelve steps are not rules, they're a guide to live by, nothing more than suggestions."
"Oh, you mean like speed limits?"
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)

"I don't like tricks with pussies, ever."
"No, it's not sexy at all."
"The trick is getting me to talk to you after I cum in it."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Jim Norton)

"You edit your own wiki page?"
"I tried to get the word 'racist' off, but I have to go there like twice a day, it's a lot of work."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Gavin McInnes)



"Dream big, everyone! Because dreams are free! But don't forget to be realistic about your abilities and financial needs. Otherwise you're in for some serious disappointments in life!"
~Oyasumi Punpun



"Run in the train so you'll get here sooner!"
~Shirobako

"Not all good shows are successful. These days there are more bad shows topping the charts."
"So true. I'd love to make a good show that's also successful. Slim chance, though,"
~Shirobako



"Today we have a clip of a retarded kid telling a knock-knock joke."
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Olive."
"Olive who?"
"Olive you because you're very special to me."
"I've got one as well: Olive until they learn to detect this condition in the womb."
~Opie & Anthony (Jim Norton)

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Olive."
"Olive who?"
"Olive for as long as my family doesn't get sick of me spoiling every photograph."
~Opie & Anthony (Jim Norton)

"Knock knoc-"
"Drop dead retard."
~Opie & Anthony (Jim Norton)



"Very often I have this nightmare or when I'm awake this horrible fantasy of my kid stepping of a building or getting hit by a train."
"My parents have that same fantasy but they put a laugh track behind it."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Jim Norton)



"Sorry for being so fabulous."
~Natsume Yuujinchou



"'Hapiness describes moments, it's never permanent."
~Oyasumi Punpun



"But you don't fuck chicks who are thát young, do you?"
"As young as I can get. When I visit another country, I look at their laws."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Ari Shaffir)

"When you rape a retarded person it's better than raping a normal person because a non-retarded person can fully process what is happening and get scarred by it. The retarded person is going to forget everything, you just give her a rose and show her some colors or whatever is they like and they're fine."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Pat Dixon)



"I may hate dumb blacks like you, but I'm a good guy."
~JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken Part 2: Sentou Chuuryuu

"Stop yelling! Your screams are echoing in here! If you don't beat it, I'll stick my tongue in your mouth to shut you up!"
~JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken Part 2: Sentou Chuuryuu

"In five seconds, I will kill this woman! Will you run or climb?! The decision is yours!"
"Come on! It's not like I'm head over heels for this chick! Why would I fight you for that ugly chick?"
~JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken Part 2: Sentou Chuuryuu



"I like to smoke marijuana in phone boots, nobody uses them anymore."
"So you go in normal and come out stoned? Wow, you're like degenerate Superman."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Ari Shaffir)

"I asked a German guy once what he thought of Hitler and he said 'hey, all leaders make mistakes'."
"And his mistake was that he killed himself."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Joe List)



"Girlfriend: Not at the moment, but very picky (her smarts don't matter if she's cute)"
~JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken Part 2: Sentou Chuuryuu



"I work for an office equipment manufacturer. They excel at being a second-rate company."
~Solanin



"You can use a hammer to get rid of ghosts."
"Wouldn't the hammer go right through them and hit what's behind them?"
"Yes, I've been scolded for breaking dishes many times."
"Can't you use a vacuum cleaner?"
"If you want to clean a carpet yes. But not against ghosts."
~The Opie & Anthony Show (Ted Sheckler (Jim Norton))



"Doubts are like flies, they must all be crushed."
~Samurai Champloo



"Just like people, machines shouldn't be disposable."
~Solanin

"I guess that talk with Taneda did the trick. So... Why is your face twitching?"
"Well... Because I'm responsible for getting him all fired up! What if... Just what if...?! What if he completely loses confidence, crawls into his shell and starts living on the internet? What if some crazy personality emerges and he turns into a 30-year-old serial child molester nicknamed 'The Poet'?!"
~Solanin

"Meiko... Will you call me by my first name?"
"Naruo!"
"That gave me an erection!"
~Solanin
« Laatste verandering: 28 Mei 2016, 15:30:40 door Nickienator » Gelogd




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« Antwoord #542 Gepost op: 29 Mei 2016, 14:05:38 »

Godverdomme Kaas bump mijn topic eens niet naar de 2e pagina met je supermarkt onzin. En wow, ik editte die oude post al bijna een half jaar.



"We were never really close as a family. And I was seldom home. So when I saw Naruo after such a long time, I was more surprised than sad. Oh... That guy... Before I knew it, he'd grown into a man. Of course, it's only natural. I'd have been more surprised if he'd grown into a woman."
~Solanin
Gelogd




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« Antwoord #543 Gepost op: 29 Mei 2016, 14:29:00 »

supermarkt onzin
Dat neem je terug!
Gelogd


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« Antwoord #544 Gepost op: 29 Mei 2016, 16:17:13 »

Ik neem helemaal niks terug.



"Hello? I'm hired? Uh... Did you get me mixed up with another Kato...? The Kato who's fat and dirty-looking...? Oh... Yeah, that's me."
~Solanin



"Ah! It's little Shotaro! He's always so cool!"
"Otaka, are you on about that again?"
"It's fine! I'm a shotacon after all!"
"A shotacon? The heck is that?"
"I have a Shotaro complex. Shotacon for short. I'm sure it'll become a word someday."
~Tetsujin 28-gou: Hakuchuu no Zangetsu



"Some say money can't buy love or happiness... But I say... Those people just don't know where to shop!"
~The Big O



"What doesn't kill us makes us crippled!"
~Genshiken Nidaime



"Hey, waiter boy! How many dishes have you broken?!"
"Sorry, I forgot to count."
~One Piece

"If you get yourself killed, I'll kill you."
~One Piece



"My mother and father are divorced, they turned each other against me."
~The Opie & Anthony Show (Ted Sheckler (Jim Norton))



"You! What are YOU doing here?"
"I knew it! It's him, Zoro, the Pirate Hunter! He's cleaning our floors, that fiend!"
~One Piece



"This awful. Atomic tuna, radioactive fallout, and now this Godzilla to top it off!"
~Godzilla



"That dog looks like a retard."
~Yondemasu yo, Azazel-san. (TV)

"He's the sort of asshole that tries to make Heaven on earth!"
~Yondemasu yo, Azazel-san. (TV)

"A woman is a creature akin to a pet. Men are meant to take them out on walks."
~Yondemasu yo, Azazel-san. (TV)

"Whether doggy-style or standing, the place for a woman is on her knees getting fucked!"
~Yondemasu yo, Azazel-san. (TV)



"They shoot atom particles at other particles? Those are very small, how do they not miss? I can't even piss without missing the toilet."
~Opie & Anthony (Jim Norton)

"I got an E-mail you'll like Jimmy. It says 'You are a fag, Jimmy's right'."
"Who's that from, your subconsciousness?"
~Opie & Anthony (Jim Norton)

"What's wrong with a lawyer with shit up to hit neck? Not enough shit."
~Opie & Anthony (Jim Norton)



"I get a lot of angry E-mails for saying rape is funny, like 'I hope your daughter gets raped and we'll see if you still think it's funny then'. Well first she'd have to survive the abortion for that to happen."
~Daniel Tosh: People Pleaser



"Boobies. One of the 'breastaurant' chains with locations across the galaxy."
~Space☆Dandy

"So, have you located the man we're searching for, Dr. Gel?"
"Soon, Admiral Perry. Thanks to our space-encompassing search system, Galaxy Street View, our investigation is well underway."
~Space☆Dandy



"Another school shooting happened. They should really just target special ed schools."
"Then they might even make some extra money by selling the electric wheelchairs."
"They can advertise it with 'two-thirds charge included'."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Ari Shaffir)

"I can half-piss. I can cut off in the middle when I'm pissing and safe the rest for a later when I have a drug test later."
"I can't do that, for me that would be like half-cumming."
"Well that's just impossible, there's no going 'oh, let me just save the other half of that orgasm for later'."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)

"Turns out the ex-wife of the Orlando gay-bar shooter was helping him and gave him a lift there. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)



"A sex offender in New York known as the Flaccid Fiend attempted to rape a long-time friend of his brother in law but smashed her head against the wall when he found out he was too impotent to rape her. Hold on. That's out of line. Too impotent to rape her? Maybe she wasn't sexy enough to get raped."
~New York City Crime Report (Pat Dixon)



"I was in a train smoking in the bathroom when the conductor lady knocked on the door to ask me whether I was smoking and told me there had been complaints. I asked her from who, I hadn't checked under the bowl but I was pretty sure I was alone in there. She told me the smoke went into the air ducts and to the rest of the train so people could smell it. I told her it was a good thing I was only smoking then, imagine if I was taking a big smelly shit on the toilet. Who designed this train?"
~Doug Stanhope: The Great White Stanhope

"I blew a speaker in my card today. That sucked. He was a motivational speaker. Left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive."
~Doug Stanhope: The Great White Stanhope

"I know a guy who has his lip pierced and his dick pierced. He runs a chain between them and can jerk off just by talking enough."
~Doug Stanhope: The Great White Stanhope



"Girls tell me 'your drunk on stage and smoke two and a half packets of cigarettes a day, you're destroying your body'. I'm destroying my body? You had four kids, I can put my hand in your cunt and still have enough room to flip a coin."
~Doug Stanhope: Something to Take the Edge Off

"I asked a girl to give me a titfuck. She asked me 'how are you gonna make that feel good for me?'. I told her right before I came I'd stop punching her in the face."
~Doug Stanhope: Something to Take the Edge Off



"I walked into a Nike Town to apply for a job and they asked me what position I was applying for. I told them mayor."
~Kyle Kinane: Death of the Party



"When arriving in prison they were first greeted by this guy named Crazy Chris. He murdered six people and served two life sentences. This guy was so bad-ass that if he died and was reincarnated the reincarnation would have to serve a life sentence as well."
~Tom Segura: Mostly Stories



"The thing about threesomes is that I'm not sure how I feel about bringing another guy into the relationship."
"Dude, we meant threesomes with another girl."
"You were already going like 'Gee, I guess I'm having a little trouble just knowing my chick is watching me as I get fucked by two guys' while thinking of a threesome."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Dave Smith)



"He's in a space faster than thought."
~Space☆Dandy

"A good ass should be felt, not seen."
~Space☆Dandy



"If I ever saw an amputee being hanged I would just yell out letters."
~Demetri Martin: These Are Jokes

"I think a bad place for a fire would be a factory where they make those trick candles."
~Demetri Martin: These Are Jokes



"I think telemarketer is the hardest job. You can't call in sick. 'Hey it's me, I'm sick and can't work today'. 'Well you called me'. 'Shit'."
~Demetri Martin: Standup Comedian.



"I think Jesus was probably one of the first scarecrows."
~Demetri Martin: Live (At the Time)



"If you are religious in any way you are slowing the rest of the world down."
~Jim Jefferies



"How come there ain't one of them swastika signs on the keyboard. One time when I was typin' I looked for that key for hours but I never found it."
"It's there on them German keyboards."
~New York City Crime Report



"People say suicide is for cowards but fuck those people. Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone. It's sad when kids kill themselves because they didn't really give it a chance but life is like a movie; if you've said through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far chances are it's not gonna get great right at the very end and make it all worthwhile. Nobody should blame you for walking out early."
~Doug Stanhope: Die Laughing

"If you're gonna legalize and tax drugs how about taxing all existing legal vices first including religion. Because the Christian church has a lot more money than a Mexican drugs cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake."
~Doug Stanhope: Die Laughing

"I'm not pro-choice, I'm pro-abortion. Talk someone into it."
~Doug Stanhope: Die Laughing



"Fransesco's daughter Fransesca said Fransesco was a great man, a great father, and a great grandpa. Sources say he was in fact a great grandpa, but his grand kids had kids of their own who in turn had kids of their own, none of which he got to know and some of which he never met. So while he was a great father, a great grandpa, and a great grandpa, it turns out he was not a great great grandpa and perhaps an even less great great great grandpa."
~New York City Crime Report

"If it wasn't for online porn, I wouldn't know how to spell amateur."
~New York City Crime Report (Pat Dixon)



"People have been going to Pok�Stops and beating people standing there up to take their phones. They do this because they know that when you're standing there you have a phone because you're playing Pok�mon Go, and they know they can beat you up because you are playing Pok�mon and can't do anything back since you're a little faggot."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)



"Presidente, we didn't manage to get any research done. So we decided to steal France's greatest achievements. Unfortunately, we broke into their Museum of Military Accomplishments and all I found was this white flag."
~Tropico 5



"On Fire Island I was conscious of everything I did, like when I was drinking a fruit drink from a straw and put my hand on my hip I had to put it away right away."
"Dude, you're saying my son is gay for wearing nail polish and meanwhile you're telling me you were on Fire Island drinking sangria from a straw with your hand on your hip?"
"No, it was a fruit thing."
"Yes, we know."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Robert Kelly)



"I heard this story of a guy fucking another guy in the ass and his dick split open."
"There's this urban legend where a guy fucked a girl with a lobster but she didn't know that the lobster had laid eggs in her vagina so some time later suddenly all these baby lobsters came out of her vagina."
"I heard this urban legend where a guy took over power in Germany and he really hated Jews and killed like 6 million of them."
~You Know What Dude (Joe List)

"Girls don't really get into fight, do they? Did you ever get into a fight?"
"I remember getting into a fight back in first grade, I punched a girl in the stomach but didn't feel good about it afterwards."
"But the girl was pregnant so she had to take care of it."
~You Know What Dude (Joe List)



"Ladies and gentlemen, there are some performers who come along once in a lifetime and change the way you think about comedy. And then there are people who have to use guitars. Here's the latter, please welcome Garfunkel and Oates."
~Garfunkel and Oates: Trying to be Special (Anthony Jeselnik)



"Gay guy's don't paint their nails."
"No, they paint their friends' backs."
~You Know What Dude (Joe List)

"My dad bought me a drill when I was a kid and told me to go outside and figure it out to try to prevent me from becoming gay."
"And you put a dildo on it and sat on it."
~You Know What Dude (Robert Kelly)



"Do you have any cringy sexual memories?"
"Yes, I think the most embarrassing sexual experience I had was when my parent caught me watching the most hardcore possible bondage porn. Over their shoulder."
~Not Safe with Nikki Glaser (Anthony Jeselnik)



"'If you have a dog you have more friends because unlike cats dogs are amazing and so their owner must be as well'. I think this article might be jaded."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)



"Okay! In a pinch like this, my special weapon will come in handy! Usopp Boomerang! Surrender! Once I throw this, there's no turning back!"
"What's wrong with it? It didn't come back!"
"Like I said! There's no turning back!"
~One Piece Movie 3: Chinjuu-jima no Chopper Oukoku



"This guy at a party told me he can make any woman squirt. I can't make a woman squirt, I don't have the attention span."
"I can make a woman squirt if I use a knife."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)

"Do you like it when girls are crying while you're having sex with them?"
"Yes, it's called adjusting. They all cry."
"When they cry with me I just give them their bottle."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Jim Norton & Anthony Cumia)
Anthony date met nogal jonge meisjes.

"I follow so many porn things on Twitter that I can be on the train just scrolling through a political discussion and then suddenly hit on some girl spreading open her pussy."
"Well that's what you get for following Hillary."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Jim Norton)

"Do you have anything coming up?"
"I'm shooting right now-"
"Yourself I hope."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)

"They're scouting my house for a movie right now."
"I hope it's a snuff film."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Jim Norton)



"People who catch colds have weak hearts."
~One Piece



"The closest I've come to a threesome is when I was a kid and masturbating in my room when both of my parents walked in at the same time."
~Joe List: Are You Mad At Me?



"In college people thought I was into fat chicks, but that's just all I could get."
"I think it's the same with many fat chicks, that people think they like black guys but they are just the only ones who want to fuck fat chicks."
"Yeah, nobody actually likes black guys."
~Finer Things with Mike Finoia (Joe List)



"Bicycles are for those who want to go faster and farther than everyone else."
~Yowamushi Pedal
Ja fietsen zijn het toppunt van snelheid en mogelijkheden om ver te komen.

"I've already pooped twice since this morning!"
~Yowamushi Pedal

"If you win the race, praise yourself. If you lose the race, blame the equipment."
~Yowamushi Pedal



"Seems like the few people who started out good have just lost it."
"Uh-oh."
"Don't worry, you started out terribly."
~Ink Master: Peck vs. Nu�ez



"I hate it when your phone finishes words based on which words you use a lot. It's why when I'm texting a black friend I never say 'good night'."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Artie Lange)



"Does anyone have something for me to throw at him?"
"Borrow one of Kelly's water balloons."
"Those are her tits."
~You Know What Dude (Joe List)

"Again, I've never been into pee. I've never liked it or thought about doing anything with it, but-"
"Did you say P.E.?"
~You Know What Dude (Joe List)



"When I was born dead, I vividly remember the pain in the doctor's voice when he told my parents 'I have good news, and I have bad news. Good news: it's a boy, and he's hella hung. Bad news: dude's dead'."
~You're the Worst

"You know, I actually just read something interesting about PTSD."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, it turns out that in World War I the official term for PTSD was cowardice, and you were shot for it."
~You're the Worst



"What Trump said is normal, that's just how guys talk to each other about women. Like how many times have you heard a guy go 'oh my god, I'd fuck her brains out' or 'god, I'd eat through a mile of her shit'."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"This couple kidnapped this girl and kept her locked up in their home for years."
"Did they feed her?"
"...Did they feed her? They kept her for years."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"What if nothing of the rumors is true and Bill and Hillary have been in love from the very start, she never smelled bad, and nothing was wrong except for that one little slip-up?"
"That's unlikely, you don't start with using a cunt as a humidor."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"Travis' mom ran out on them 15 years ago, he doesn't know where she is now."
"I bet I can find her. Can you Google 'happier now than 15 years ago' for me?"
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"Is pumpkin a vegetable?"
"Well, it has seeds in it so it's-"
"Your mouth?"
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"I love that photo of Travis where he's wearing his red sweater."
"I would love to see it in a frame in front of his casket."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Sam Roberts)

"The song just came to me. I was alone in my apartment and it just came."
"Like me?"
"Yes, but I wasn't looking at naked men on my computer screen."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)



"That ship graveyard was terrible..."
"Yes, that place was terrible... I'd like to go back sometime."
~One Piece

"Hard turn skywards!"
~One Piece



"When I go down on my wife, I get her enormously wet and messy down there."
"You can still get her excited can you?"
"No, I drool a lot."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Rich Vos)



"Who are these wives who vote for Trump but have a husband who votes for Hillary? I want to see a documentary on this and see these stay-at-home cucks."
~The Gavin McInnes Show (Gavin McInnes)



"We all know that when a man goes overboard you say 'man overboard'. But what do you say when a woman goes overboard?"
"You say 'full speed ahead'."
~The Hollywood Squares (Paul Lynde)



"I just received a call from secretary Clinton."
"'I called her a cunt and hung up'."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)



"The thing about the word gay is that it used to mean happy. But back when it was first starting to be used to mean homosexual no extremely happy people started protesting."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Bill Burr)

"You know what else I learned last night?"
"That you're supposed to put it in the front of a girl and not in the back of a boy?"
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)



"I don't think Hillary really wanted to win since she's dying. I worked at a hospice around dying people and if there's one thing I learned there it's that dying people hate being president."
~The Gavin McInnes Show (Gavin McInnes)



"The Passion of the Christ is the movie where they didn't have to change the name for the porn version."
~New York City Crime Report (Pat Dixon)



"What did you tell them to get your medical marijuana card?"
"I told the doctor I saw a dog."
~You're the Worst



"Do you celebrate Thanksgiving with your parents?"
"No, her parents are all the way in California and half of my parents are dead."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Pat Dixon)



"Did you know things your parents did when you were a child can affect you as an adult?"
"What?! You mean time travel?"
~You're the Worst



"Let’s face it: Your computer isn’t cool. It might be faster, run more programs and cost far less than one of our Prune™ models, but nobody cares and you’re a loser.

Prune™ computers are so trendy that your ego increases just by virtue of owning one. Honestly.

After all, only someone with an ego the size of the Santa Clara Valley would buy a computer that does less and costs more. It’s like some kind of hyper-consumerism that savvy marketers have manipulated you into believing will make you chic, when in reality you’re just another plastic-glasses-and-turtleneck-wearing asshole who can’t find someone of the opposite sex to waste their money on.

But we love you just the same. And we love your money even more. So buy a computer or two from us, will you?

Plum™. Think Cool™."
~ForumWarz



"Is it 2 already?"
"Yes, time flies when you're having fun."
"Yeah, and here too."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)
« Laatste verandering: 03 December 2016, 20:26:50 door Nickienator » Gelogd




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« Antwoord #545 Gepost op: 03 December 2016, 20:47:43 »

Karakterlimiet overschreden als een baas. Cool



"That sound clip sounds like a kid being burned with cigarettes..."
"Hmm, let me hear that again... You're right, it does. Thanks for the tent in my pants."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)



"You look like a jew."
"Oh my god, hear the racist chink."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)



"But Sam hoards weird stuff he doesn't talk about."
"Like what?"
"Cum in your belly."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)



"One day the counselor of my batterers' intervention program decided to tune in to this program, and it just happened to be the episode where I discussed whether date rape is really rape."
"And is it?"
"No, of course not."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Anthony Cumia)



"There used to be a gay gym in my street."
"There's one sitting next to you right now."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"These are little life lessons Rich is teaching us. We should have a segment called Rich Vos' Life Hacks."
"Yes, hacks for life or comedy."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)



"I always get Helen Keller and Anne Frank confused because they're the only two little girls you learn about in school. Name a third girl you learn about in school."
"Goldilocks."
"But that isn't real. Well, Anne Frank isn't real either."
~Tuesdays with Stories! (Joe List)



"I got a ticket for doing 100 in a 50."
"We're all just waiting for you to get arrested for doing a 55 in a 12."
~Fixing Joe (Jim Norton)



"You like parades, don't you Jimmy?"
"Yes. Well, the ones they show from Germany."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"Do you remember Simpson? Jessica Simpson?"
"Oh, I thought you meant OJ. I liked his work."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"Terminator. And then she came all over him. Tsss Tsss. Because his name is Termin. Get it? Termin ate her."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Lyle 'Chip' Chipperson)

"One of the last things Carrie Fisher said is that she hooked up with Harrison Ford and it wasn't that great."
"Did he have a small pecker or somethin' like a teenie lightsaber? Tssssss."
"That's good because Han Solo uses a lightsaber..."
"Yeah. She said he wasn't very good because he was a Wookie. Tssss."
"Why would she say he's a Wookie?"
"Because he didn't do it that much."
"Oh like a rookie."
"They did some Millennium Fuckin'. Tsssssss."
"I think that was actually a little too clever for Chip."
"I don't think it was too clever at all."
"Put his cum right in her Jed-eye. Tsssss. Fuckin' shit burned."
"You know she's dead now."
"Fuck yeah. She's goin' to the Death Star. Dvvv Dvvv."
"Chip actually texted me that. He texted me a few Carrie Fisher jokes."
"Oh yeah, Princess Layin' in the ground or somethin'?"
"He also wrote 'Bitch got a lightsaber up her cooter'."
"I guess that's how she died. Cuz she got a lightsaber up there. Dvv Dvv."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Lyle 'Chip' Chipperson)

"What did you do that made you think you were bad at sex during your first time?"
"First I took a condom and tried to put it on."
"You've already lost me."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"That's what free speech is for, to protect the unpopular shit."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"I don't trust women's advice on clothing."
"Oh, because they're not the ones you're trying to attract?"
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Sam Roberts)

"Cum and pre-cum taste differently."
"You've tasted you're own cum? Why?"
"Just to see if it tastes different from other people's cum."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)



"I hate it when people with a growling dog go 'don't worry, he's good with us'. Of course he's good with you, you're feeding him. You could have Godzilla as a pet and he'd be good as long as you keep throwing him Japanese guys."
~You Know What Dude (Paul Virzi)



"Dude, you shouldn't get a dog. You're not responsible enough."
"What? I'm great with animals. You saw how your dog immediately took to me."
"Will you be walking the dog?"
"No, some hole I'm fucking will have to do that."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"Hey Ben, what's your last name, Dover?"
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)

"Indiana? Does Diana know you're there? Tssss..."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)

"I definitely did a few pedophilia jokes, because I like them."
"Yeah, and I bet you like the jokes as well."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"Here's Mark in San Diego. Mark with what, spray paint?"
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)



"A female's laugh is like a female's voting: it doesn't count and shouldn't be allowed."
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Dave Smith)



"Have you seen that movie 'Big'?"
"Have I seen it? My dick starred in it."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"I can't take the sun out her in L.A."
"Do you know who couldn't take the sun? Marvin Gay Senior."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"I have a flat ass."
"Oh no, you have a flat ass? Probably from all those balls smacking against it."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"My wife saw the new red iPhone and said 'I need that'. I told her it's the same thing but red."
"Just give her the normal one and make her bleed on it."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"...And then I discovered I was wearing girl's jeans."
"You had girl's jeans?"
"Girl's jeans on his legs and in his blood. Get it? Girl's genes."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)

"I hate Bing so much, you can't get away from it. I tried to search for a way to get rid of Bing but couldn't get any relevant results because I had Bing."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)



"You look handsome today, Chip."
"Thanks, babe. Someone's getting a raise. Right down there."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)



"When I was a kid, I had a cat whose nose I put inside my asshole and then I farted."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)



"A hero needs goggles."
~Digimon Xros Wars: Toki wo Kakeru Shounen Hunter-tachi
Woah, eerste anime citaat van deze post.



"My head hurts."
"I wish that was because there's bullets in it."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)



"Would you fuck Ivanka Trump?"
"I would never fuck any woman. I only respect their vagina's with my semi-erect penis."
~Cum Town (Seth Dickfield)



"The man with the phallic nose just left."
~One Piece Movie 6: Omatsuri Danshaku to Himitsu no Shima



"They should let James Holmes out of jail to be in the next Batman movies because let's be honest: he was the best Joker. Heath Ledger was good, but Holmes was the best."
~Cum Town (Nick Mullen)

"I loved Lady Ghostbusters. But it wasn't the ghosts that scared me most in that film, it was the men in the movie. Because what's a ghost gonna do? Maybe scare you a little bit. A man? He's gonna do the wage gap."
~Cum Town (Seth Dickfield)

"So if you have ADD, and you take Adderall, it calms you down. But if you don't have ADD, and you take Adderall, it revs you up. So what I'm thinking is that with Parkinson's, if you're just a guy and a boxer for 20 years like Mohammed Ali and get Parkinson's later in live because of it you're the opposite from a guy like Michael J. Fox that has Parkinson's but never boxed. So if we just beat the fuck out of him, repeatedly, just smash him over the head with baseball bats, could we save Michael J. Fox?"
"I think so, but there's only one real way to find out."
"Yeah, we're doing a show called Bat to the Future."
~Cum Town (Nick Mullen)

"I remember the first time when I saw someone wearing fake glasses."
"Why do people do that?"
"It's a style."
"Well, I do roll down the street in a wheelchair once in a while."
~Cum Town (Bonnie MacFarlane)

"I got this letter from a 5-year old about how much our podcast means to him. We touched this kid, and I think that's great. From now on, we're gonna keep touching children. We'll touch every child from every race."
~Cum Town (Nick Mullen)

"So Dr. Evil, what have you been up to? Still trying to take over the world?"
"Yes, I'm mostly into evil apps nowadays. I made Grindr, do you know that? It's like Tinder but it's for spreading AIDS."
~Cum Town (Nick Mullen)



"What ancient shark went extinct?"
"The Megalodon, right?"
"A Mega-load-on? That's what I put on a girl's back."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast



"We've got this country called Turkey, and then there's this other country called Hungary. Put those two together, and we've solved all the world's problems."
~Cum Town (Nick Mullen)



"You go to Gaming World? What's that? Do other people go to just Ming world?"
~The Anthony Cumia Show (Jim Norton)
« Laatste verandering: 23 Juni 2017, 22:03:36 door Nickienator » Gelogd




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« Antwoord #546 Gepost op: 28 Juni 2017, 08:21:29 »

"Only the shaman knows that culture is a game. Everyone else takes it seriously. That's how he can do his magic.” - Terence McKenna.
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« Antwoord #547 Gepost op: 28 Juni 2017, 10:59:43 »

Dat had ie beter niet moeten zeggen, nou weet iedereen het.
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« Antwoord #548 Gepost op: 01 Juli 2017, 14:27:27 »

"I don't know what gaslighting means."
"Gaslighting nowadays basically means disagreeing with a woman on something. You're mansplaining when you first disagree with her, and then when you use facts and logic to prove her wrong then that's gaslighting."
~Cum Town (Nick Mullen)

"I have a 3D printer that can print guns and pocket pussies, but I don't understand why. I don't need it to be able to print pocket pussies if it can print guns, I can just go get a real one."
~Cum Town (Nick Mullen)

"When I took [insert drugs] it made me feel like I had the smallest dick in the world."
"So basically what it does is it makes everything seem true."
~Cum Town (Nick Mullen)



"Hamburgers were actually invented in Connecticut, not in Hamburg."
"You seem to know a lot about hamburgers, maybe you should research skim milk next."
"Well, we'll ask you about 13-year olds in a couple of minutes."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Anthony Cumia & Robert Kelly)

"I went on a horse carriage ride."
"Oh, that sounds nice. How many people did ya have to pull?"
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)



"How come you skipped a generation and are more tolerant towards trans people than black people?"
"Well, have you ever been robbed by a trans person?"
"I have, they stole my dignity."
~Jim Norton & Sam Roberts (Jim Norton)



*Chip sabbelt op een lolly in de vorm van 2 tieten*
"Why don't you bite one off, we'll name it Olivia Newton John."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Anthony Cumia)

"Damn girl, you're finer than the hair of a cancer patient."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)

"Gaming? Who's that, some Asian who likes to put peckers in his mouth?"
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)



"Regulation is what makes bad things happen. World War I: because of regulation. World War II: regulation."
"Without regulation, I would be able to fuck hotter women."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's due to regulation that rape's illegal."
~Cum Town (Nick Mullen)



"Adam and his wife each have a freebie list of people they are allowed to have sex with if they meet them. Adam picked Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, while his wife picked the milkman."
~Norm Macdonald Live



"Is there any crime you think should be legal?"
"I think it should be legal to force a midget to get plastic surgery to look like a specific child, so when you have a child I can go to you and fuck a midget who looks exactly like your son in front of you."
~Cum Town (Michael Foody)



"Birds are faggots."
~Opie & Anthony (Jim Norton)

"Trees are for queers."
~Opie & Anthony (Jim Norton)

"I have this powder I use for my pubes and works very well, even though it's meant for black men's faces."
"What's in it, mace?"
~Opie & Anthony (Anthony Cumia)



"Shoot her dead, but don't kill her!"
~One Piece



"Getting a cavity in Finland means you're held back a year in school."
~Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei



"My last name's Dickinson."
"Your last name, my charge."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Uncle Paul)



"Hmmm, it seems the fruit for this wine was harvested too early."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because I'm tasting a hint of statutory grape."
~You're the Worst



"I have an idea for a reality show called 'Animals are Funny'. We film a dog just as it is about to make on the lawn and then blow a horn in its face. Then it'll run off into the street and you hear screeching tires and a loud thud. And on next week's episode we'll feed a goose pate and then tell it it just ate one of its own."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)

"I have another idea for a reality show, it's called 'The Security Guards of the Bank'. We'll follow and get to know 30 security guards and film them eating a sandwich or buying belts or asking for a ciggie. But when something happens like a bank robbery we turn the cameras of because we don't want to scare the children.
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)

"I have another idea for a reality show called 'The Housewives of Beverly Hills with Leukemia'. We'll follow a bunch of housewives as they go look for places to get their wigs dyed. It has a quickly rotating cast."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)

""My next idea for a reality show is a prank show where we prank people in wheelchairs by putting tags in their wheels or popping them. And then we start a fire and then push them into it and they can't get out because their tires are flat. Don't worry though, after 4 minutes we'll pull them out with a rope we attached to the wheelchairs. But after the first I realized we should've used a chain or something."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)



"But you're a starfish, so how come you can talk?"
"I'm glad you asked. When I was young, I thought I was human. By the time I realized I was actually a starfish I could already speak."
~One Piece



"I kinda want to be a little girl."
~Yowamushi Pedal: New Generation



"I like those black-and-white films where nobody talks. Interracial porn."
~Jimmy Carr: Funny Business



"Giving people shit is easy. Taking it away is almost impossible. Like Obamacare. Or Herpes."
~The Magicians



"Doctor Who? It should be Nurse Who now."
~The Chip Chipperson Podacast (Lyle "Chip" Chipperson)
« Laatste verandering: 17 December 2018, 23:29:57 door Nickienator » Gelogd





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